This past weekend seemed extra trying with my journey into toddlerhood. Seriously, for all the moments, which are a ton, that I just love being part of a 2 year old's world, I have an equal amount of moments that I really feel like calling my happy helper for a stronger script.
Then daddy & daughter go for their nightly walk to feed the ducks and show her doll the moon, I have some time to myself , not once uttering "No", "Be nice to the cat", "You have to wear a diaper or panties", "One more episode of Calliou then it's naptime", etc., etc. and I put down the phone, put the tequila away, and realize my script is strong enough.
Showing posts with label anxiety disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety disorder. Show all posts
Free is better than Frugal!
Once again another Free is better than Frugal Blessing shout-out!
Our 100 year old house does not have central air-conditioning. The 30+ year old window unit it came with works enough, but it started to smell moldy and the electric bill nearly put me in the ER.
Last night my husband and his brother installed a less than 1 year old energy efficient unit that 1. looks nice 2. doesn't smell like 30 years of ick and 3. WAS FREE! Yes, it was given to us!
My husband's work policy is if it'll take more money to fix something than to get a new one, they get rid of the old one. So, because it was under warranty he got the new part it needed and during his off the clock time he got it up and running and brought it home yesterday!
My financial fears keep trying to come to the forefront but then something like this happens and gives me a sense of calm and lets me know that we are going to be just fine!
Our 100 year old house does not have central air-conditioning. The 30+ year old window unit it came with works enough, but it started to smell moldy and the electric bill nearly put me in the ER.
Last night my husband and his brother installed a less than 1 year old energy efficient unit that 1. looks nice 2. doesn't smell like 30 years of ick and 3. WAS FREE! Yes, it was given to us!
My husband's work policy is if it'll take more money to fix something than to get a new one, they get rid of the old one. So, because it was under warranty he got the new part it needed and during his off the clock time he got it up and running and brought it home yesterday!
My financial fears keep trying to come to the forefront but then something like this happens and gives me a sense of calm and lets me know that we are going to be just fine!
Healing Hurts
This morning I woke myself up from crying. The dreams I was having of course were the reason. I have been down all day and it is because of the disturbing dreams and emotions they created. Without going into great detail my happy-helper has started some major CBT with my first assignment going to be the hardest! My dreams last night were just an accumulation of my thoughts about this assignment and going through my memory file cabinet to get things in order.
As I go through this journey, of course I will write about it. I always write...journals that I alone have ever read to blogs that I let the world read. Writing has always been my escape, my encouragement, my legacy. I am doing this for my daughter, my husband, my family, myself. Healing hurts but without pain your body doesn't know there is something that needs to heal.
And while I go through this process, I will continue to smile, joke, exude happiness and love. I will continue to fall in love with my daughter and make sure healthy love is all she experiences. I have to, that is my job right now.
I'm known to say it like it is. So, I've said it. Not a very uplifting post, but it's me. :-)
Here is a Twila Paris song that over the years has been my calming song, that told my story, that keeps me encouraged.
Purge to be healthy
Sometimes you just have to purge to feel better. Yesterday we purged our basement and I feel so much better today!
The basement mess was a perfect representation of the disorganization and anxiety going on in my head. The rest of the house is pretty de-cluttered (minus the gazillion toys that always find their way to the floor from their nice cabinet bins), but the basement is where the chaos ensued. Seriously, it was like a bomb went off. I wanted to cry every time I had to go down there-and that's where my make-shift office is!
If there was no place for something on the main floor, "just put it in the basement, I'll do something with it later" was the mantra, yet later never came. Until yesterday. We posted stuff on Freecycle, offered stuff on Facebook, created a big pile for Goodwill, and filled our garbage bins to overflowing!
I'm looking forward to going down there and doing laundry today. Now laundry is another issue all together, but I'll save that for my therapist! :-)
The basement mess was a perfect representation of the disorganization and anxiety going on in my head. The rest of the house is pretty de-cluttered (minus the gazillion toys that always find their way to the floor from their nice cabinet bins), but the basement is where the chaos ensued. Seriously, it was like a bomb went off. I wanted to cry every time I had to go down there-and that's where my make-shift office is!
If there was no place for something on the main floor, "just put it in the basement, I'll do something with it later" was the mantra, yet later never came. Until yesterday. We posted stuff on Freecycle, offered stuff on Facebook, created a big pile for Goodwill, and filled our garbage bins to overflowing!
I'm looking forward to going down there and doing laundry today. Now laundry is another issue all together, but I'll save that for my therapist! :-)
Panic at the Playdate
Last weekend I left town for 3 days! I was supposed to relax and get refreshed because I guess it showed on my face that I was getting ready to go postal. Well, I did not relax and I came home even more pent up and yesterday was the finale! Ever have a panic attack?
Anxiety disorder is stamped in my medical records, no need to hide it. I'm always wound tight and am quite used to the racing of my heart and tightening of my chest. No biggie. Yesterday as I decorated some cookies my arms trembled so bad I thought I had turned into someone's marionette. Then my chest got a charlie horse and I couldn't breathe. Tuh Da! The lights went on in my shortness-of-breath-arm-spasming-self that "duh, you're having a full blown panic attack". Haven't had one of those in years!
Today I am dealing with the aftermath of the attack. If you don't suffer such attacks I can't even begin to explain what happens when they are done! Anywho, I digress. Back to today, Tuesday. I have an order to start and finish today. It will only take a couple hours so I've procrastinated-and my heart is beating even more rapidly than the usual. But it gets better. Tomorrow pre-attack self spear headed a playdate group with moms I've never met and the same with their kids! WTF was I thinking?
Playdate. That's right, you read it here first! I am going on a playdate. Just the thought turns my stomach. When my "happy helper" told me it would be best for B to be part of such groups I tried explaining my apprehension to the inorganic idea of planning play. She wasn't convinced and told me to get over it and help B become socialized. Then I looked at my 17 pound cat who I bottle fed and taught to pee when she was only three weeks old and see how I kinda failed at socializing her...she doesn't groom herself very well and prefers people over cats to hang with and has a very fowl temper when she doesn't get her way. So, in an attempt to not do the same to my human child I'm going to thrust both she and I into a very strange situation and pray she takes to kids like a duck to water.
Me? I'll get into "salesperson" mode and with a plastered smile and some standard small talk topics will persevere through the hour and a half of our scheduled date! All while trying to avoid a Panic at the Playdate!
Anxiety disorder is stamped in my medical records, no need to hide it. I'm always wound tight and am quite used to the racing of my heart and tightening of my chest. No biggie. Yesterday as I decorated some cookies my arms trembled so bad I thought I had turned into someone's marionette. Then my chest got a charlie horse and I couldn't breathe. Tuh Da! The lights went on in my shortness-of-breath-arm-spasming-self that "duh, you're having a full blown panic attack". Haven't had one of those in years!
Today I am dealing with the aftermath of the attack. If you don't suffer such attacks I can't even begin to explain what happens when they are done! Anywho, I digress. Back to today, Tuesday. I have an order to start and finish today. It will only take a couple hours so I've procrastinated-and my heart is beating even more rapidly than the usual. But it gets better. Tomorrow pre-attack self spear headed a playdate group with moms I've never met and the same with their kids! WTF was I thinking?
Playdate. That's right, you read it here first! I am going on a playdate. Just the thought turns my stomach. When my "happy helper" told me it would be best for B to be part of such groups I tried explaining my apprehension to the inorganic idea of planning play. She wasn't convinced and told me to get over it and help B become socialized. Then I looked at my 17 pound cat who I bottle fed and taught to pee when she was only three weeks old and see how I kinda failed at socializing her...she doesn't groom herself very well and prefers people over cats to hang with and has a very fowl temper when she doesn't get her way. So, in an attempt to not do the same to my human child I'm going to thrust both she and I into a very strange situation and pray she takes to kids like a duck to water.
Me? I'll get into "salesperson" mode and with a plastered smile and some standard small talk topics will persevere through the hour and a half of our scheduled date! All while trying to avoid a Panic at the Playdate!
How the f$@k can I do this?
This being said, I look at my daughter whom I love more than words can describe and wonder how the f!@k I'm gonna protect her from the craziness that I, just as my mother, am destined to succomb to?
The thought of me putting her through what I've endured all these years kills me! I don't wish such pain on my worst enemy!
I sit here still wondering what my plan will be as she comes running up to me proclaiming " oh noooo". I'll set aside my pondering so I can enjoy this moment and shower her with healthy love!
New focus
Baby weight and my futile attempt to lose it is now on the back burner and a new "me" project is underway. I need to become empathetic.
My lack of empathy has frightened and propelled me into an extensive Internet search today, thereby leading me to self-diagnose with NPD!
Oh dear G_d I cannot suffer from this! A depressed narcissist cannot be fun company! "Whoa is me, I'm so great, you suck." No, for sure, not good company!
(5 minutes later) Whew! I finished reading the tell-tale signs of NPD and realized that the only one I truly, 100% display is the lack of empathy. I'm actually the exact opposite of the other signs....which means I may be suffering from the disorder that is opposite of NPD.
Getting back on the diet-train may be easier, but oh well, let the new disorder search begin......
My lack of empathy has frightened and propelled me into an extensive Internet search today, thereby leading me to self-diagnose with NPD!
Oh dear G_d I cannot suffer from this! A depressed narcissist cannot be fun company! "Whoa is me, I'm so great, you suck." No, for sure, not good company!
(5 minutes later) Whew! I finished reading the tell-tale signs of NPD and realized that the only one I truly, 100% display is the lack of empathy. I'm actually the exact opposite of the other signs....which means I may be suffering from the disorder that is opposite of NPD.
Getting back on the diet-train may be easier, but oh well, let the new disorder search begin......
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