Lessons In Parenting: Carrots trump ice cream.

Today I am fighting allergies, am  not enjoying the 90 degree weather, and have a to-do list a mile long. I chose to thrown in the "Mommy Manager" towel and allow my daughter free reign. Here's what went down:

B: I'm ready for lunch.
Me: Do you want ice cream? (I have a serving already dished out in the freezer)
B: No, I'll have a ham sandwich with no 'hamonnaise'. (she meant mayonnaise but I'm too tired to correct her)

B: I'm thirsty.
Me: Here, have a juice box. (I didn't feel like filling the Brita Pitcher and my in-laws brought over these handy juices---yes, I'm that exhausted)
B: No, I want water.

B: Can I have a snack?
Me: Sure, do you want that ice cream now?
B: No, I want carrots with dip. I love carrots.

I feel like crying because today was payday! All my direction and "mean mommy" quirks paid off. Without a second thought my awesome four year old made the better-for-her choices with no guidance by me!

I'm gonna sit on the couch with a glass of water and bowl of carrots and enjoy this parenting victory!

Don't ruin the moment for me, I know it's not going to be this easy when she is a teenager, but I have 9 years still, let me live in this moment. ;-)

Lesson in Parenting: Poop is...

B has 3 of the most obnoxious dolls created! She loves these dolls which helps me control my desire to tie them to poles and burn them at the stake during a family BBQ.

The other morning she brought one of these said dolls to the table, the one she named "Brown Baby Alive", the one that poops.

B: "Mom, I want to feed Brown Baby Alive"
Me: "OK, I'll get her food ready."
B: talking to her doll, "Let me check your diaper first baby. Yuck, you have poop in there."
Off comes the pretty pricey disposable doll diaper.
B: "Mom, Brown Baby Alive has poop in her diaper I am going to throw it away now."
Me: "Is that poop from yesterday or today?" Hoping she'd get it that she can reuse the diaper if it is dry and not too soiled.
B: With a 'hey dumb ass' look on her face- "Mom, what does it matter? Poop is poop."
Then she turned and threw the diaper away.

Lesson learned: All poop is created equal.

Want to check out my other Lessons in Parenting? Then click here, make sure you take some notes, there will be a quiz at the end.

Louis CK with some White trash hillbilly parenting style-thats how I roll!

Imagine non stop talking and questions from 9AM thru 12PM today. NON-STOP!  At noon its was time to head to Italian class.  This meant me and B being confined to a very small space with no way out for thirty more minutes of incessent toddler questions.

I snapped and had a Louis CK sprinkled with some good O'white trash hillbilly parenting moment.  After at least the tenth time of telling her to get in the car, at the top of my lungs I, the adult parent sanctioned with the responsibility to raise a respectable member of society, screamed "Get the f#@k in your car seat!"

The perfect SAHMs down the block I am certain heard this raucous outcry which brought a smile to their face and validation to their life that yes, they are perfect parents. Once B was buckled in safe and secure I lowered my head and got in the driver's seat ready to just succumb to the next half hour.

Yes, I had a moment of weakness and for all you not perfect parents with toddlers who can relate, high five. For all you sans toddler peeps who are judging me, all I have to say to you is "Go f#@k yourself!"

Motherhood Moment: I see myself in your eyes

Everyday something occurs to reel me in to the moment. While chatting with B about life, she on my lap with her hands holding my face, one of these moments occurred. Instantly she stopped talking (a very rare instant) and just stared into my eyes. With a wise smile she said “I see myself in your eyes”.

Ok she was referring to literally seeing her reflection in my eyes, but just her saying that with such intensity cut deep.

We try to see ourselves in our children, but how different would our parenting be if our focus was for our children to see themselves in us? Oh the world would be a different place, don’t you think?

Lessons in Parenting: Kids know heaven

Lessons in Parenting: Kids KNOW Heaven

September 2 was my dad’s birthday. He would have been 70! B and I sat and talked about him and his birthday for quite some time. She asked if he was going to be better to come for a party. I told her “No because he is in heaven.” Her concern grew dire “Who is going to sing Happy Birthday to him in Heaven?” I named the relatives he is with who will have cake and candles ready to celebrate up there.

As only a three year old could articulate “I miss Grandpa Beal. Is Heaven like Italy?”

I smiled, let out a little giggle and said, “Let’s hope Italy is like Heaven.” She was satisfied.

Lesson: Streets of gold and pearly gates may for some be great, but hilly vineyards of olives and grapes are our family’s vision of a heavenly fate.

Lessons In Parenting: Dance til you puke

B attended her first wedding reception this past Saturday. Let me preface...ITALIAN Wedding, aka TONS OF FOOD & SWEETS.

As is expected, she ate well. Then the dance floor opened. She didn't want to go dance, but instead began spinning at the table. She was having so much fun. Giggling, falling, spinning, and whirling her pretty dress. I got caught up in her excitement, encouraging her fun.

She stopped, as did my evening.

Red colored, somewhat sweet smelling projectile vomit came flowing from her mouth to the white linen clad chair and table. The blue satin napkins were useless and the smell, well, was just nauseating.

Lesson learned: Even toddlers know how to party til they puke! Rock on!

Lessons in Parenting: Geography kick to the balls

Today I felt inspired to hold an impromptu geography lesson about Italy.

Me: What does Italy look like?

B:  A boot!
Me: Nonno is from the heel; Nonna is from the toe. See the futbol the toe is kicking? That is the island Sicily. Where is Sicily? (hoping to have her point on the map)
B: Nonna is kicking its balls.

PRICELESS! I may just sign her up for Second City soon! (And consider my audience before the next lesson!)

Lessons In Parenting: Just say thanks

B gave me a little plastic high heel shoe and here's what she said (back-note: she is all about being a cat):

B: "Here is a present for you. Baby kitty gave it to you cause you are the best mommy kitty and you teach her everything."
Me: "Thank you baby kitty. I love you."

~tear~

Lessons in Parenting: Too much of a good thing

B: "Mommy, you eating more ice cream?"

Me: "Yes"

B: "Why, so you can get more fat?"

Toddlers- the ultimate truth tellers!

Seriously! I'm heading back to school to find out the science behind B's toddlerisms! Do you want to learn what makes people (including little kids!) tick? Consider earning a Psychology Degree Online .  I am!
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Lessons in Parenting: Hands have a purpose!

Tonight's dinner was pasta with a mushroom, pepper, & broccoli red sauce. B is still learning how to eat "neatly" (aka Like a human being) with the necessary eating utensils. This training garners many "use your fork" outbursts from the hubs and me. Tonight was no exception.

Here's what went down:

B: ~picked up a broccoli floret soaked in red sauce and pouring over her entire hand~

Hubs: "B! Why aren't you using your fork?!!?
B: "Because I have hands. See?"

Well DUH!

1,2,3 Smackdown

Get ready my strong-willed, tantrum throwing, voice screaming, fake crying, almost 3 years old, lovely daughter. Mommy is getting a new book this week, 1, 2, 3 Magic.

That's right- ONE:  I've resorted to a parenting book {gasp} and TWO: Just as I suspected it does take Magic to survive toddlerhood.

Potty Training, Pull-Ups, Patron Saints, Puke

Poop. I've never been too good dealing with crap. In our journey of Potty training I am believing more and more it would just be a lot easier to keep her in diapers until she's 10. Finding all the bathrooms in public places, rushing to them thinking an excrement emergency is on its way just to realize that no, she just wants to check out the stall really is getting annoying.

Pull-ups. Really these are just diapers with a different Velcro attachment. Useless I tell you. Here's what I've learned from these newfangled pseudo diaper/panties: Poop in Pulls-ups is NOT a good combination. Today for example B came walking out of her room with a big, proud grin on her face and her pull-ups pushed down to her ankles. She excitingly announced "I pooped" and yes, yes she did. She also smeared the crap all over her legs and hands while pushing the pull-ups down. I rush her to the bathroom to quickly clean up this nastiness and realize I'm in crap hell. We ran out of diaper wipes! As I run down into the basement to retrieve our last roll of paper towels I say a prayer to the Patron Saint of Potty training and Poop to please, for heaven's sake, don't let her put her hands to her mouth while I'm downstairs.

Puke. It's taken some major mind over matter to not just chuck it all over this computer keyboard.  I need to lay down until this poop induced queasiness subsides.

Lessons in Parenting: I want a Golden Goose!

Image via Wikipedia

I'm pretty sure a 2 year old wrote this song for the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:

I want a ball
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons and performing baboons
And give it to me now

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me now

Instead of Public Family Bathrooms there should be Public Family Incinerator Shoots with Oompa Loompas waiting to scare the bejesus out of toddlers who are Out.Of.Control. (i.e. MINE)

Lessons in Parenting: That's NOT Chocolate

You've been on the computer/phone/watching tv & ignoring your toddler too  long when she shoves 2 of her fingers in your face with brown smelly stuff on them.

Stop what you are doing immediately and attend to the needs of your child-both emotional and diaper!

Lessons in Parenting: Boogie

I'm officially a parent. Not just because I gave birth and am raising a pretty awesome daughter, no, because from nowhere I used a weapon I never thought I would:

The Boogie Man will get you!

Take note: when you use this weapon don't do it off the cuff. Make sure to have a description of and possibly even a direction you want to take with it, otherwise he is just the Boogie, as in Booger, Man. Now I can't keep her fingers out of nose!

 

Lessons in Parenting: Don't push it

I'm embarrassed for our culture right now due to what I saw in the toy store's sales ad this morning. Back Note:  I've cut my coffee intake down...drinking some tea, making me angry.

Here's the lesson:
Parents, if your child needs a 5 point safety harness, safety bar, AND a parent-assist handle, your kid is TOO YOUNG to be on a trike. Deal with it. Your kid will be big enough, strong enough, and smart enough, to not kill itself on a 4" off the ground toddler toy soon enough.

Lessons in Parenting: Go Play

When your child says to you "If I get my ball will you play with me?". Say yes and go Play! You don't want her to remember you saying "maybe later" and later never happens. 

Lessons in Parenting: No Mixing

Image via Wikipedia

Juice and French Fries DO NOT Mix!
Do not under any circumstances give the incessantly repeating the same phrase toddler in the back seat a LARGE juice box to CHUG faster than Kobayashi can eat a hot dog, then give her french fries and drive like you are captaining a ship in a hurricane. Gutting fish on the deck of Deadliest Catch is not as disgusting as the clean up you will face.

Lessons in Parenting: Choose your games wisely

The age old Farting Game. What? You're not familiar? It's the game where a person may or may not have floated an air biscuit, someone blurts out "Who Farted?" and the toddler in the room happily obliges in proclaiming who dealt it.

Always a good knee slapper, until said toddler decides to play the game in public without instigation and screams "Mommy Farted" while laughing at the top of her lungs.

Single Income Survival

We are a single income family (SIOK). I never imagined uttering those words. Fortunately when my husband and I bought our home we made sure that we could survive on one income...just in case. Well, we pulled the just in case card and are surviving.

Suggestions to avoid extreme panic and get into frugal, single income mode.

1. Do not Freak out! Go ahead and have a pity party...for one day then get to work on your new life.
2. Sit with your significant other and kids and discuss what happened, what will happen, and what needs to happen.
3. Take inventory of EVERYTHING and label it either a need or a want. That's right, everything. The lamps on your tables to your season tickets to the Bears.
4. Call all vendors to request cheaper packages or cancel services all together.
5. If you have a savings account...forget that you do! Do everything in your power to not use it!
6. Cut up all credit cards
7. Start selling "stuff" that is just taking up space and is not essential for your survival. Decluttering helps create a calm, positive environment. Put the money you make on your stuff into an emergency fund not to be touched unless there is an extreme emergency.
8. Use cash only and keep track of every penny you spend...every penny! Your debit card is not cash! After the first month, look over what you spent and trim off what you can do without for the next month.
9. Buy only sale items and ideally only if you have a coupon to add to it!
10. Learn to enjoy being with your family, just enjoy being. Take a walk every night, cook dinner together, play board games together. You'll be surprised at how wonderful you'll feel and the more meaningful your actions from just being together, loving each other and not the stuff you once only focused on!

Don't get me wrong. I have days where the panic is trying to take control but then I look at how far we've come in just 7 months. How better of stewards we are becoming, how better a couple and family we are, and how better a cook I've become!